As I lie here looking up at the flashing red lights, I think to myself, it will be over soon. I don't think of my church upbringing. All I can think is how my troubled life will soon be over.
Even though my family was a good Christian family and they raised me up to trust in God, I let my friends and peer pressure take off with my life and I left God behind.
How, you may ask, can a fifteen year old boy get to the point where he can take a bottle of pills and just lie down to die? Well, just sit back and I will tell you.
I had just entered the early release program at school and things were going great. I had got a good job and my first paycheck. I remembered my dad had always paid his tithes and how God had always rewarded him for it but I just wanted a good time. I really didn't care about anything else.
I decided to take my girlfriend to the carnival. It was a cool Sunday night when I asked her to go. You know the kind of night when you can feel Spring is just around the corner. Well, she told me she wanted me to go to Church with her instead. She felt we really needed to go. She told me she needed to talk with me after service. We could go to the carnival another night but I was insistent, as I sometimes was, so she decided to skip Church and to with me instead.
We got to the fairgrounds at about five. You could hear the loud music and smell the fresh popcorn and cotton candy as you entered the gate. I said let's go ride some rides and have some fun but she told me again that we needed to talk. We sat down on a small blue bench and I put my arm around her. As I did she started to cry.
. . .
Suddenly I hear the siren wail and the ambulance speed up. Why want they leave me alone? I fight with the attendant and try to pull the IV from my arm. He calls me son and asks me to please stop fighting. He wants to know what I took so he can help but he can't help. No one can. Then I just look at him and close my eyes.
I picture my girlfriend in my mind. I can see her beautiful long golden blond hair and deep blue eyes. OH! How beautiful she looks. The most radiant smile I have ever seen and such a sweet personality to go along with it. A girlfriend like that is hard to come by and I was so lucky. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have let it all slip away?
I hear the engine race as the driver rushes toward the hospital. The sirens cry out loud as the attendant says for the driver to speed up. He just said he was about to loose me so I guess I had better get back to the rest of my story.
. . .
I'm pregnant she told me. I'm pregnant she said again ever so slowly. What are we going to do? With all the noise I could hardly hear her sobbing but I saw the tears in her eyes and the hopeless look on her face and my heart broke. I looked at her in disbelief and ask her if she sure. I suggested that she might be mistaken. We were only together one time. She looked at me and told me she was sure.
As we sat silently on that bench with everyone around us having such a good time, not a care in the world, I thought back to that night. She had said no but I was insistent. She had told me she was only fourteen and that she new God wanted her to wait until she was married and that she wasn't ready yet but I told her I loved her. I told her how beautiful she was. I said to her, I was going to marry her, that it would be OK. Once again she said no but I wouldn't take no for an answer. I tried to tell her everything I thought she wanted to hear. I said that if she loved me she would say yes. Finally she gave in. The next day I called her and told her how very sorry I was. I told her I loved her and I still planed for us to get married. She told me she understood and that she still loved me. I thought that would be the end of it. I had always heard that you couldn't get pregnant the first time but as I found out on that night, I was very wrong.
So now, as we sat there on that small bench, I didn't know what to do. She said that we should leave the carnival, go to Church, and then talk to her minister after service but even though I had promised, I hadn't been going since that night and I sure wasn't going to start now.
I thought God was doing this to me and I was angry. I told her no. I said lets go ride some rides and get our minds off of everything for a little while. I told her I didn't think we should talk right now and so once again I had talked her into something she didn't really want to do. She wiped the tears from her eyes. I gave her a hug and we staid at the carnival.
What happened next is just a blur. I was getting us cola and some hot buttered popcorn. I had left my girlfriend riding the Flying dragon. All of a sudden from across the fairgrounds, I heard a loud and awful noise. They later told me that a pin that held the ride together had broken. As I rushed over to the ride, through a multitude of people running and screaming, I saw my girlfriend there on the ground. Both she and my unborn child were dead. I had lost them both. I fell on my knees and cursed God. I now know I shouldn't have but I blamed him.
I remember very little of what happened the next few days. I went to the funeral. Her minister told me that he was sorry and if I wanted to talk or pray he was there and God was always listening. Once again, I turned away and left God, my girlfriend, and my child behind.
So now I lie here in the ambulance to the point I don't care to live. I hear the siren turn off and the attendant pulls the sheet over my head. It's over.
In my live I had my chances to accept God. To make the right decisions but I didn't. I took my own life. I thought it would be over but it wasn't. As I stood there before God, I finally realised it was too late for me. I would be turned away from Heaven. I would never hear the words well done. I would never see my girlfriend again. I would never get to know my child. I would never see Jesus.
Over and over, I say I'm sorry. I say I didn't mean the things I said but I made my choice and now I will pay the price for all eternity.
By Mark Davis